You’ve read our reasons to learn French, Spanish, and German, and you’re a better person for it. Today we’ll concentrate on a more obscure language, generally popular only in niche markets and in some pretentious intellectual circles.
Without further ado, here are 5 dumb reasons to learn a little-known language called “English”. P.S. this is satire.
You want to communicate with an American
Who wouldn’t? They’re worldly, well-informed, and naturally curious about the world. Their reputation on the global stage is impeccable, and their presence in foreign countries isn’t problematic in any way. Sadly, however, Americans aren’t known for being polyglots. Sure, there’s an increasing Asian and Latino population within the country, but why any “red-blooded” American would deign to learn these languages is perfectly understandable. It seems as though if you want to address an American, it will have to be on their own terms. Want to talk to Uncle Sam? Better brush up on your American.
You want to meet the Queen
Let’s face it: Lizzie isn’t getting any younger. If you want to get up close and personal with the Queen, to the extent that her security will let you, you’re going to want to have a bit of the “Queen’s English” in your back pocket. Sure, her Majesty may speak a touch of French, and maybe even have some notions of German (feel free to speculate on why), but to really exchange with her on a personal level, you’re going to want to address her in her native language. Granted, you’ll be surrounded by paparazzi, numerous corgis, a horde of bodyguards, and possibly a Prince or two, but we’re sure that once she hears your rudimentary command of her own language, uttered with your melodic native accent, you’ll be invited to a tea party at Buckingham Palace in no time. Oh you don’t speak English? Well then you can slowly and repeatedly wave goodbye to this dream of yours.
You’re an Olympic Athlete
Officially, the Olympic Games have two languages: English and French. Let’s be real though: the attendant in the locker room asking you to piss in a plastic cup ain’t asking in French.
If you still harbor dreams of winning Olympic gold, silver or bronze, or simply want to pass the Olympic torch without burning yourself, you’ll need to speak the language of luminaries such as Caitlyn Jenner, Simone Biles and Greg Luganis – that is to say: English. You’ve worked so hard to get to this moment. You deserve to be on those Olympic podiums protesting the numerous human rights violations in your home country. Don’t blow it by speaking Romanian.
You’re going to space
Whether you’re a bored billionaire, an ambitious multi-millionaire, or simply a humble astronaut, you’re probably clamoring to get out of this atmosphere and into the stratosphere. It’s the final frontier after all – there’s no denying the (gravitational) pull of this cold, inhospitable hellscape where apparently no one can hear you scream.
Still, space travel is not for everyone, particularly if you don’t speak the international language of space:
Martian English. Of course the Russians had their moment, but anyone planning on going to space should know that all those fancy nozzles and buttons in your space shuttle aren’t written in Cyrillic. As for the warnings on your oxygen tank and the knobs on your depressurization module? Those are printed in the language of Neil Armstrong, baby.
P.S. Any aliens you meet are going to speak English too. Bezos, you’re on notice, don’t try to be slick and talk to anyone in anything other than English.
You want to understand this article
Can you imagine not being able to read and understand this groundbreaking piece of content? Well, if you don’t understand English, there’s a pretty good chance that this one is going to go right over your head. Can you live without a top-5 list on a niche blog from a language learning company? It’s not like those things come around every day. Anyway, you make the call.
Need more reasons to learn English ? We’re fresh out. But feel free to try our online English course Gymglish for free for 7 days!
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