5 dumb reasons to learn German

Guten Tag, Freunde and Feinde alike! We’ve already made a serious post about why learning German is a good idea. That one was largely targeted at robots, and entirely in French.

Now that we’ve satisfied our AI overlords, allow us to present a less serious, far dumber set of reasons to learn the language of Dietrich and Milli Vanilli. Without further ado, here are 5 stupid reasons to learn German, in English, from a company that also teaches French, Spanish and Italian.

Nothing bad has ever happened in Germany.

Whoops. Ok, let’s just skip over this first one.

They have unique terms for every situation.

The Brazilians have saudade, the French have depaysement, but the Germans may well have the market cornered on all the other evocative, untranslatable terms.

When you pick up your kid from Kindergarten, a literal garden for children, make sure you don’t abscond with their Doppelgänger, a body double or someone who looks eerily similar. Doing so may make you feel Weltschmerz, a world-weariness that is certainly in the Zeitgeist right now. Speaking of geist, have you met a poltergeist? We’re convinced they’ll terrify your children, but in an educational way (see reason #5). Feeling satisfied at the pain or discomfort of those haunted by said poltergeists? Welcome to Schadenfreude, baby.

You’ll drive better

German automotive engineering is renowned all over the world. It’s brought us the Porsche, the Mercedes, the Audi, the BMW, and perhaps the sexiest car of all, the Volkswagen Beetle. Innovation meets know-how meets efficiency meets design meets quality. How do you think all these things meet, though? At some sort of cocktail party for superlative nouns? No, they meet when German engineers interact, likely speaking in German. Seems only logical then, by the transitive property of language, that speaking German will do wonders for your engineering ability, and yes, you guessed it, your driving skills. Honk honk, get out of the way! I’m breaking the speed limit but doing it respectfully! That’s the German way.

Speak like a local when you’re in Spain.

Headed to Mallorca or the Canary Islands this summer, pandemic permitting? You’ll surely want to brush up on your German, the unofficial second language of sunny many Spanish locales.

Sure, the “logical” language to learn for such a trip is Spanish, but Germans are world-famous logicians, and they speak German all the time. We rest our case.

They are progressive on issues of nudity.

Linked very closely with the previous reason in this list, most Germans tend to be wildly open-minded when it comes to naturism, and we are here for it. We should applaud these clothing-optional tendencies, just not too strenuously because it makes our Fleisch jiggle. If you too want to shed the restrictive trappings of clothing, and indeed the restrictive trappings of society writ large, learning German is a crucial step, as you will have a language in common with your fellow nudies.

Terrifying folktales that will traumatize your children

Germanic folklore is the stuff of nightmares, just ask anyone who has spoken to their therapist about Struwwelpeter. The tales of Hoffman and to an extent, the Brothers Grimm feature a plethora of cruel monsters, all determined to scare naughty children. Not scared by these beasts? Belsnickel and Krampus would like a word with you. And guess what language they speak? Hint: The monsters speak German.

Bonus: It’s the language of the future

Yes, we previously said this about English, and yes, we said it about French too. Hell, we’ve even said it about Spanish. There’s a non-zero chance we’ll say about Portuguese, Italian, Arabic and Esperanto in the future. Still, German is definitely the language of the future… until we decide to shamelessly promote another language product.

Need more reasons to learn German? We’re fresh out. But feel free to try our online German course Wunderbla for free for 7 days!

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